The saga(you couldn't make it up)

My life has become a saga/disaster movie/horror story.
The bosses are away again,camping for a week,so all I have to do is clean the house feed the kitties and do the itty bit of washing up and laundry they left behind...
They went Saturday,Sunday the dishwasher broke down,Monday the burglar alarm had a hissy fit and the panel kept beeping at me until I sussed that it was because a trip switch had gone..Tuesday I found that the washing machine breaking had tripped the switch,as well as the cats had somehow caught and murdered a kingfisher it must already have been sick or hurt those cats would be hard pushed to catch a cold,wednesday I discovered that kingfisher is obviously too rich,there was cat sh*t everywhere around the ruddy house.

So yesterday I decided after work to do some repairs to the chicken house,I had to take some of the old rotten wood off and replace it with fresh and also use new non rusty nails and screws.......
all goes according to plan until I step back to admire my handiwork,feel feathers on the back of my leg,step backwards over the chooks behind me straight onto a rusty nail.......
I remove the nail and attached plank from my foot and I squeeze the wound and give it a damned good scrub and think no more of it apart from a slight bruised feeling.
I went to bed,fell asleep and woke up an hour later in excruciating pain.........
Went to the docs this morning for antibiotics(it is obviously festering and the doc asked what I expected having injected myself with chicken poop) the doc gave me co amoxiclav then sent me round to the nurse for a top up on the old tetanus vaccine only for the nurse to find that there isn't a complete vaccination record for me as a child so she gives me a booster jab........I am back from the hospital having had Human tetanus immunoglobulin injected into the same arm as the ruddy vaccine, I can barely walk for swollen painful festering foot and my arm hurts.
 I said to Grubby today that if I told someone all this they would think I must be making it up,can I soon have some better luck please? 

Sympathetic boobies

Nicely wriggled even if I do say so myself.
I have convinced the doc that it is a waste of precious NHS funds to go and have an unnecessary  mammogram,but I have had to promise to ring her straight away if there are any changes,seems she has consulted two other docs at the surgery and they agree with me,I more than likely have sympathetic boobies.............

Ooh porn

Update on earlier posting.
Having just read this I don't know whether to hope for a film crew or not.
I suspect only sadists would enjoy squashed breasts.

T. rex,Tits and assorted other troublesome thoughts.

I was replacing a badly punctured tyre on the push-bike today when I noticed the chickens gathered around it,they looked like a load of dinosaurs gathered round a carcass.T.rex/chook picture from here.

Talking of things that are or should be extinct,I see some more Lords have been pretending to be Brits(pretending is correct me thinks,cos true Brits pay British taxes ) I fancy a version of the old French revolution,at the very least a few heads should roll.

Good morning,good morning,good ruddy morning.

As I popped into the village for my paper this morning(which I haven't even glanced at since) everyone and their uncle greeted me,living in a small community is lovely whether it be a small community in a village or a street in a huge city,smiling faces and friendly greetings really make a day start off well.
Well that is my be nice section now back to the mumbling..........
I can't find the mouse,Lucifer must have scoffed it.
I had to go to the docs,again,on Friday,the old ankles were swollen from toes to above the knee,we are waiting for blood test results to ensure I am not diabetic/got a dodgy thyroid/got a pituitary tumour etc etc,I have no heart or blood pressure problems 113/74 isn't bad for an overweight ex smoker,no known kidney or liver issues,so it is suspected I have idiopathic oedema, to me it feels like idiopathic elephantiasis   my legs were double their normal circumference and walking was becoming more and more painful,and surprisingly tiring as my legs were extremely heavy due to the fluid in them
So the doc gave me two weeks worth of water tablets after the first tablet I peed for queen and country and they also dried up the other funny little problem,but today the swelling is coming back,I am not happy,if the tablets don't work I have been threatened with compression stockings for life,that could be a ruddy long time,I am only 48 3/4..............the ruddy kids are bound to crack 'mummies legs' jokes........Sadly I am now on a lower calorie diet and that weird tasting lo salt stuff.